Cute, Small, Deadly

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

2009-09-16T03:38:05Z

On request from a friend, my mom passed the keyboard over to me so I could tell you all about my summer now that Fall is falling. (That's what Fall does, right? That isn't some kind of complicated grown-up code for the time of year its okay to kick the cats down the steps, right?)

So, I spent a lot of time with my Nana and my Poppop it my Gigi's house downnashore. This may be a location, or possibly a state of being, I'm a little fuzzy on the details. I know it involves strapping me into my car seat, making me sit FOREVER, and after forever two hours later, I get downnashore.

Which is awesome because I get to eat corn...

Be afraid of seaweed for no reason...

And go in a boat with my Nana. Nana is in part Native American, or something like that. You can't hear it in the picture, but she was singing the traditional Shawnee boating song "Colors of the Wind" by Elton John.

Also, this summer I questioned conservative values...

And BECAME A CREATURE OF THE NIGHT!! FEEL THE TERROR!

Happy Day, Dada!

2009-06-21T19:11:59Z

Picture heavy nonsense below the cut.

On the day we met, this is who I was:

There's been a lot of change and growth since then. Today, on this second Father's Day we've shared, you're little girl is this big:

Even though we don't always agree and sometime it seems like I'm always angry at you, Dada, I want you to know that I know how you feel. I know that you love me, and I love you too, Daddy.

Even when I'm a little monster.

Thank you, Dada, for being the best one I've ever had. Everyday we spend together I get a day closer to being a better little person.

(Oh, and happy Father's day to Popop, from me and mom.)

Your Little Girl,
Tina.

Spring Means Outside (Picture Post)

2009-05-03T04:27:27Z

So my vocabulary has expanded by leaps and bounds as the 'flwers' bloom and the 'fluflies' flutter in the air with their lovely multicolored wings. 'Nana'n'Popop's 'Ouse' is always welcoming with 'chclit' and 'cookies.' Life is pretty grand. I'm saying whole sentences, including Mom and Dad's favorite 'I uv you!'

We went on a walk outside.

Mommy wrote a fictionalized story about the kinds of mess I can make based on these pictures.

You Heard it from Me First

2009-03-24T18:13:19Z

Unless you heard it somewhere else, in which case, you heard if from me second.

I am filled with joy because apparently, mom and dad have finally lost their collective minds and are going to go to the store and buy me a new baby brother or sister! Mom says the baby won't be here until late October, which is kind of a bummer. I hate to think of the poor little bugger stuck in lay-away because mom and dad are too cheap to get 'em out now. Oh well.

Mommy keeps touching her stomach and telling me that's where the baby is. Which is silly, since everyone knows babies come from an unregulated free market economy.

That said, I'm super excited to celebrate the coming of my new cohort! (See picture below.)

Because after that, the experimentation can begin!

Mommy's feeling sick, so I'm going to go sleep on her in the most uncomfortable way possible. That should help.

I know, I hasnt' posted much.

2009-02-21T00:16:37Z

With Bugmas finally wrapping up, I have to wonder when MY next holiday is. I heard mommy saying she had a birthday coming up soon. I assume that birthday means I get presents. Right?

That said...

Couldn't I just kill you with a look?

Two Days Ago I Hit a Milestone...

2008-12-16T18:12:59Z

....And mommy is still trembling with fear.

Two days ago, I discoverd ownership over the word 'mine.'

That's right, everything in the free world now is 'mine.' The remote in my hand is mine. The toys on the floor near me is mine. The food you are eating is mine. The book you're reading is mine until I take it from you and hand it to Aunt Sara, which is when it becomes hers, but only until I change my mind.

That's right, I is now a grown up!

Somewhere between trembling and hiding in the front hall closet while weeping, mommy says my attempt to own the universe is my way of establishing boundries. She says when I say 'mine' it's really my way of asking 'mine?' to see how far my ownership of things extend. She says it's good for me when they strengthen my boundries by saying 'no' or expand them by saying 'yes' when it's appropriate.

I think she's silly, I guess she forgets I'm destined to control the world as it's beautiful final Czarina of the Universe. I will also have a poney.

So without further adu, look out world...

I'm Sharing Mommy's Maddness.

2008-12-05T18:45:03Z

Mom keeps saying this curse word. It's pronounced 'deadline' but I think it's spelled T-i-n-a-d-o-e-s-n-t-g-e-t-h-e-r-w-a-y-a-l-l-t-h-e-t-i-m-e.

Suffice to say, I'm not a big fan of that curse world. Also, deadlines apparently make her twitch and have funny crazy time where she spend valuble time on the internet screwing around when she should be facing the tragity at her keyboard. Below are some horrible examples.

On the bright side, I'm still cuter than LOLcats!

.

I Feel Crappy

2008-12-03T19:04:14Z

Today, I am cranky for no clear reason. I might be sick. I might be growing, I might just feel the need to test mommy's patience again. I am obsessed with Aunty Sara and the fact that she isn't up yet is cause for me to throw shit-fits about everything.

Actually, to be honest, that may just be an excuse. I'm sure if Aunty Sara were around I'd find -something- to hound mommy about. I'm talented like that.

Boy, she better do as I say, too.... Or they'll never find the body....

Today is for Testing Mommy

2008-11-12T16:56:04Z

I am testing my limits today. Mom is hanging out with me while she tries to get work done. I think her getting work done is silly. So here's some things I've tried to day.

- Painted popcorn with strawberry applesauce.
- Tried to scale the book shelves, twice.
- Throwing hard plastic things at mom's head because I want her to hold it.
- Demand the lion's share of what ever mom is eating regardless of how much I've had to eat of my own food.
- Dumped apple juice, more than once.
- Hit the cats with things so they can once again prove how much they love me.
- Screamed at mom any time I'm not getting what I want the milisecond I request it even if she is actually in the process of getting it for me.

What can I say? I think it's funny when she grits her teeth and says 'I love you' through a clenched jaw. And just think, I'm not even a terrible two year old for another two whole months!

Her Ladyship Will be Holding Court Saturday

2008-10-06T03:27:56Z

Somehow, daddy got talked into taking me to something called the Rennisance Faire. Not totally sure what that means, but I have to assume in involves me getting that poney I had coming since, you know, that's fair. right?

What's really germaine about that, however, is that I GOT A PRINCESS COSTUME.

That makes having the sniffles so much better.

What's a Four Letter Word for 'Frustrated'?

2008-10-03T00:54:17Z

Mommy can't get her website working so she's gone off to a dark place to scream into a pillow where she can't hurt herself or others,

Soooo..... She's away from her lap top and I get to do some blogging. I wanted to address some of this political stuff.

Apparently, since I'm underage (who knew 18 didn't refer to months?) I can't vote in what the news is calling 'the most important election of my life.'

Well, that sucks, and so rather than filling this with MY poitical opinons, (much to do with pooping rights and bedtimes) I say this.

I wash my hands of the whole thing. While I'm at it, I wash my legs of it, and my butt, and my tummy, and maybe ever my hairs of it.

And on to Grandparent Service.... (Please Note: Photo Heavy.)

Let Me Ax You Something

2008-08-30T19:08:58Z

So mommy has a lot of work she should be doing instead of playing with me. That, of course, is not okay, so I have decided to start undermining her mental well being. (Albiet in an adorable way.) She calls it 'testing boundries' and I think it's cute how she's trying to justify it in a 'positve light.' Silly mommy. Wait till she finds where I hid that hot dog.

Anyway, I used my vast psychic powers to make my slaves (read: Aunt Sara and Uncle Sean) go and get me a weapon. Of course, good peons are hard to find, and all I got was some little purple ax with glitter on the end. Ah well... It's still fun to chase the cats around for practice.

Next I want a mini gun. If it's good enough for that guy in Preditor, it's good enough for me.

...Everyone Else is Doing It....

2008-07-22T01:57:27Z

Birfday Pitures!

2008-03-11T17:16:54Z

So my first birthday pictures are finally in and I've been perusing in order to decide which ones to post.

Unfortunately, most of of the pictures of me smearing cake over my face are colored funny so it looks like I'm eating poop. (This isn't a problem for me, but mom seems to think it's upsetting.)

Perhaps far more exciting than that, however, if true photographic evidence that I am in fact, The Dragon reborn. Mom came across a picture of me in classic Jeet Kune Do posture.

So below the cut, I present to you, The Unbeatable Man and myself. Which is which? I'll let you be the judge.

Difficult to tell the difference? I know. I was a little confused myself.

(Hint: I'm wearing a hat.)

So, now I'm going to go three inch punch the kittens and see how that works out. More later.

Bitches Wanna Rumble...

2008-03-05T20:02:37Z

..But the bottom line is, I am beautiful.

No seriously. Look at me. I'm killer cute.

Cheer Leading!

2008-01-30T22:27:25Z

In short...

GOOOOOOOOO AUNTY JOE!!!!!

I am doing my baby mojo for you as we speak. It is a very complicated process that largely involves the eating of LOLcats in silken diapers and satin baby sleepers. Much of this mojo ritual cannot be captured on film. However, what action shots mommy could manage I will share with you now.

Today, I is One Years Old!!!!!

2008-01-09T21:08:59Z

Happy Birfday to me! I is one year!!

I think on my next birthday, I can drink legally, right? I'll ask Paris Hilton the next time I see her hanging out at the clubs. (We get along, we weigh about the same.)

Anyway, tomorrow there will be pictures of tonights festivities. For now, I will give you a picture from my one mumph birfday as a point of comparison.

This One is for Uncle Steven

2007-12-21T05:18:08Z

I can't read, but if you haven't read Dune yet, there isn't much I can do for you. (Daddy didn't get it.)

Important Lesson of the Week

2007-12-14T05:29:37Z

With the help of my mommy, I have descovered an important noble truth.

Farting is funny.

That is all.

When the Revolution Comes

2007-12-05T19:05:24Z

My daddy bought a Castro hat because that's just the way his sense of humor works. The Castro hat is currently in my top five 'things that aren't the toys they bought me but I want to play with anyway.

And, for the grandparents... Mommy took a money shot!

Soon, my Godfather will be 18

2007-12-02T06:20:30Z

In honor of my Godfather's upcoming birthday, I thought I'd post up for him Silvio Dante's "Rules of Godfathering."

1. From baptisim on, your presence is required at every religious turning point in this boy's life, all the way through seminary school, if that is his choosing. Start now to prepare a long toast for each occasion.

2. Get to know the kid. If he likes baseball cards, learn about baseball cards. If he likes to fight, teach him how to throw a punch. That kind of thing.

3. Give him your private phone number, be it cellular or regular. If he calls you at 3 a.m., it's probably important. He may have gotten a girl in trouble or something and can't tell his old man. I've been there.

4. Religion aside, you are there for ever "Big Day" in his life. His first T-ball game. His school Christmas sing-along. His first car. The day he gets out of rehab, should that be necessary. Sometimes you have to plan your whole life around this kid. Get used to it.

5. Live up to your finical commitment. From contributing to his college fund on a regular basis to buying him nice presents when required, godfathering can be a large cash outlay. In his early twenties, the kid may need to borrow ten or twenty grand for an unspecified obligation. Loan it to him, without interest.

6. Finally, if something should happen to the boy's father, God forbid, you become his father, either for the duration or at least until a suitable stepfather enters the picture. If you know nothing about fathering, buy a book.

Also,

That is all.

Day Late, Dollar Short

2007-11-01T18:03:55Z

But how ever you look at it, I wanted to wish you...

LoLcat Updates

2007-10-03T13:43:41Z

So I promised I'd keep you posted on the bastardly little spies that have snuck into my house?

Well, it's worse than I thought. The little monsters have my parents so mind controlled, that even though they contiunely leave my parents covered in cat-scratches and peed on laundry, my parents think their 'so cute' and 'wuv dem so much.'

It's enough to make you want to choke on your own diaper.

Clearly, they are possessed of a deep and terrible unholyness. Note how they sleep in my diaper basket? What they plan to do with my diapers is beyond me.

The LOLCats have brought the war home!

2007-09-10T21:06:16Z

That's right, in apparent retaliation for my recent attacks on LOLCats, they have apparently staged a most devious counter attack.

After some deliberation, they have apparently gathered two of their most elite troops and staged an invasion of my house! Let me assure you, these two are evil and adorable to epic proportions, and my poor parents have NO idea what danger they're in.

Luckly for mommy and daddy, I am far more adorable and WAY more evil.

They know all the tricks, and while I don't yet have photographic evidence of their machinations, I will soon, and will keep you posted. Trust me when I say they're well equiped. Sweet widdle faces, pointy baby-cat tails, shy but playful demenor, ohhhh... They are incideious.

But worry not, fair readers, for though they may be the sweetest rolly polliest baby-kittes everywhere, take heart, because I am still....

Throwing Down the Gauntlet LOLsuxor!111

2007-08-16T15:43:28Z

So I was looking around on the internet for schematics for my ~~nuclear bomb~~ fluffy bunny costume when I came across what might be a challenger to my complete and total world domination.

Ladies and gentleman THIS is the enemy.

Cute, yes. Fuzzy, indeed. Malevolent? I'm not sure yet, but regardless, I will triumph because, well, I have opposable thumbs!

To Wit, I declare war on thee, Cat Macros!

And